It's been hard to smile on the inside!

Have you ever walked around with a smile on your face but deep down you were feeling extremely sad and depressed? That has been me the past several days. I buried my grandmother 2 weeks ago, and soon I will have to go through it all again with my Dad. I'm tired of trying to feel happy around everyone when I'm not! I want to cry, I want to grieve but frankly I don't have time to!!!

We had a homeschool meeting the other evening and as I am the president of the group, I was there with a smile on my face greeting everyone and leading the meeting. I was genuinely glad to welcome them back and start this new school year again with them, but deep down I was crying and wishing I were home sulking in the quietness of my living room. Most of the moms in the group don't know what I'm going through. They have no idea the inner pain I have day in and day out because of the stresses of caring for my Dad. I'd do it all over again if I had to...but it hasn't been easy.

Through it all, I'm trying...I'm trying to rely on the Lord to carry me through these rough days. All the meetings with doctors, nurses, hospice workers, attorneys, medicare, etc. It's so exhausting. Sweet-Pea was supposed to do a science experiment yesterday in school, but I put it off promising her we'd do it today. Well, today came and went and I let her down. I am so mad that they too have to suffer from all that's going on. I told her that tomorrow morning we would do the experiment...but I was sure to tell her that it was not a promise in case anything comes up! Lord willing, we will get it done and it will have been worth the wait! (We're going to be making craters with rocks and flour to resemble those found on Mercury and the Moon).

Anyhow...if you've never heard of it, Streams in the Desert is a wonderful devotional book...I have several volumes. I used to read them over and over when in college. One of the devotionals always spoke volumes to me and I want to share it with you...plus I could use a little pick-me-up myself!!

"This Thing is from Me"
by Laura A. Barter Snow

"This thing is from me." I Kings 12:24

"My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear, that it may gild with glory any storm clouds which may arise, and smooth the rough places upon which may have to tread. It is short, only five words, but let them sink into your inmost soul; use them as a pillow upon which to rest your weary head. This thing is from me.

Have you ever thought of it, that all that concerns you concerns Me too? For, “he that toucheth you, toucheth the apple of mine eye” (Zech. 2:8). You are very precious in My sight. (Isa. 43:4) Therefore, it is My special delight to educate you. I would have you learn that when temptations assail you, and the “enemy cometh in like a flood,” that this thing is from me, that you weakness needs My might, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.

Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, who never consult your taste, who put you in the background? This thing is from Me. I am the God of circumstances. Thou camest not to thy place by accident, it is the very place God meant for thee.
Have you not asked to be made humble? See then, I have placed you in the very school where this lesson is taught; your surroundings and companions are only working out My will.

Are you in money difficulties? Is it hard for you to make both ends meet? This thing is from Me, for I am your purse-bearer and would have you draw from and depend upon Me. My supplies are limitless (Phil. 4:19). I would have you prove my promises. Let it not be said of you, “In this thing ye did not believe the Lord your God” (Duet. 1:32).

Are you passing through a night of sorrow? This thing is from Me. I am the man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief. I have let earthly comforters fail you, that by turning to Me you may find everlasting consolation (2 Thess. 2:16,17). Have you longed to do some great work for Me and instead you have been laid aside on a bed of pain and weakness? This thing is from Me. I could not get your attention in your busy days and I want to teach you some of my deepest lessons. “They also serve who only stand and wait.” Some of My greatest workers are those shut out from active service, that they may learn to wield the weapon of all- Prayer.

This day I place in your hand this pot of holy oil. Make use of it free, my child. Let every circumstance that arises, every word that pains you, every interruption that would make you impatient, every revelation of your weakness be anointed with it. The sting will go as you learn to see Me in all things.

"This is from Me," the Savior said,
As bending low He kissed my brow,
"For One who loves you thus has led,
just rest in Me, be patient now,.

Your Father knows you have need of this,
Tho, why perchance you cannot see --
Grieve not for things you've seemed to miss
The thing I send is best for thee."

Then looking through my tears I plead,
"Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know,
Twill not be hard since Thou dost tread,
Each path before me here below."

And for my good this thing must be,
His grace sufficient for each test.
So still I'll sing 'Whatever be,
Gods way for me is always best."

That's right...Gods way for me IS best! I just need to keep on smiling - not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. I need to remember that nothing happens that God does not allow! One day soon my Dad will be in glory. He will be walking with the Lord. That's something to celebrate, not mourn! My prayer for Dad never changes...that God will give him peace and comfort until the day He calls Dad home! For myself? I just pray that God will hold me tight during these really tough times...just like He always does!!