There...I said it...but aren't I supposed to feel better?? I guess not. Ever since moving my Dad into the nursing home last month, I have been feeling pretty rotten. He lived with us for almost 2 years and although he ended up in the home because of medical reasons, I feel that I gave up on him and abandoned him. I know that I didn't, in fact, I know that I did my best in caring for him. I just miss him horribly and am looking for excuses not to admit that.
On Saturday Lionel and I went to see him in the morning. The visit wasn't a good one. Dad was having a good memory day, but a bad emotional day. I think that when his memory is good (meaning that he isn't in the Alzheimer's Disease fog he tends to be in) he tends to feel sorry for himself. He wonders why he is in the home, when he can go home and he complains a bit...very unlike his usual character! I have been open with him and told him that if he didn't need 24 hour care I'd put him in the car and take him home right then and there, but the doctors, nurses and therapists say he definitely needs the care 24/7. We must do what's right for Dad, and since my home is not equipped for that sort of situation nor is my Dad's wallet, staying there is the best thing for him. He is in a wonderful home - the best around - so we all really can't complain. God worked it all out for the best.
That day there was a Christmas party in the home and I was especially saddened to see it all. The holidays are wonderful unless you have family who is mostly alone and you can't be with them all the time - then they stink! Dad has received no calls, cards, visits, pictures, flowers from anyone but us! That makes me so sad for him. We did go see him with family who live an hour away which was nice, but that's it. My Dad has been such a wonderful Godly man his whole life and has done so much for so many people. Many will ask about him and how he's doing, but why don't they go visit him and see for themselves?? My prayers have been filled with requests that Dad will lose his memory completely so he doesn't realize what is (or actually isn't) going on around him. I don't want him to feel that sad abandoned feeling. If you think of it, please pray for my Dad - pray that God will bless him with peace, comfort and safety in the home. Thanks!
We left the home that day and I cried all the way home. Lionel really noticed the way 'PaPa' was feeling and he too was about in tears. Fortunately for us (and Dad!), the next day when we went back to see him again, he was totally different. He didn't remember the Christmas party, the visit by us where we played games together, or the many people who were visiting their own family members. That was a good thing! I honestly think that people say they don't go visit folks in nursing homes who have memory problems because they feel "why should I 'waste' my time visiting them when they won't remember anyhow?" Know what I say to that? YOU COWARD! How on earth can you tell 100% that they don't have moments of remembrance? How do you know that your time will be wasted? No time is wasted on a person if you reach out to them and give them your time. If you ever get the chance to visit someone in a nursing home, please go visit them - let them know you love them and are thinking of them!!
As for the bad homeschool mom complaint...well...school has not been a priority for me lately and I'm sure you can see why. We fully intended to take December off, but then we missed several weeks due to my Dad's initial hospital stay so we were going to play catch up in December. Once that was over and he moved into the home, school still got pushed aside due to his move and the upcoming holidays. So...the books sit there on the shelf still waiting to be cracked open. We will resume in full force in January, but for now, I'm really going to let the kids learn some life-lessons...which are often much better than book work! I can tell you this...that after seeing my children react to their grandfather and his whole situation (which has been 6 years long - since the death of my Mom), they have grown tremendously. They know what it's like to care for others, know what it's like to wait (countless doctor visits), what it's like to put their own interests aside and they have seen how much God's hand is in every single situation in our lives.
So, although I often feel guilty for things beyond my control, God has put peace in my heart, and I am thankful to Him for each new day. Now...if I can only figure out a way to cram 2 months worth of school work into 4 weeks, we'll be all caught up with school before the end of January! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
1 comment:
You poor thing. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think your children are learning a wonderful lesson...being selfless. Praying God redeems all the time you've spent away from schoolwork in many other ways--but also that He guides you to "catch up" where necessary, and that he leads you through it!
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